One Giant (Dub/Mis)Step for MankindPrior to firing up Zheros for the first time, I spent some time setting up my older consoles. Dusting off my Sega CD, I tested it by playing whatever happened to be on the disc already in the drive. My test turned into about an hour of punching street criminals in Streets of Rage. After satiating my retro desires I booted up Zheros and started to realize what a perfect coincidence these games were back-to-back.Starting things off I noticed Zheros takes place in space. As such it has the wubdubbiest dubstep tracks all over the game. I was not into it. It may be some folks cup of tea but by the end of the menus into the game I turned the sound off and put on my own records.Music aside, Zheros hearkens the glory days of arcade beat-em-ups be it your double dragons, streets filled with rage, or your turtles who travel in time.

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Walk in the direction that you’re allowed to, then punch the shit out of everything that gets in your way. Is there a chance your attack button is going to break from mashing? Congrats, you’re playing Zheros correct. There were two characters to choose from. Mike, who punches stuff, and Dorian, who kicks stuff. I opted to use the Pixar rendition of Brock Samson, Mike.It must be said that Zheros is a very well designed game. The graphics are colorful and fun, the game ran smooth as silk right from the start, the combat works well, and there are collectibles and upgrades to give it replayability.

Still, Zheros left me feeling a bit empty. After about ten minutes of the game I started to get a sense that there wasn’t much depth, and the game proved me right.I stayed positive, though. Sinking a few more hours into the game I was determined to figure out there was something I was missing.

As I unlocked and upgraded my abilities, I noticed I wasn’t really using them, anyway. Outside of a couple specific enemies that have to be killed by deflecting their shots, there’s nothing in the game that can’t be killed with an endless mash of attack. It’s fun evading attacks and the reflex mechanic to deflect bullets is neat, but it’s insubstantial to the whole experience. There are some fun moments in the game where you get a mech suit and get to smash hordes of enemies. It’s a really fun action-filled moment I was all aboutuntil it happened again. Zheros has this strange habit of making all the features worn out.

SMASHZheros is the type of game you grab a few friends and stay up too late playing. Zheros is a Ramones song. Free light blue background images. It’s familiar, all the things that make it great are there, but for some reason if it’s not the Ramones it doesn’t feel as good.

It made me want to head to the arcade and play X-Men or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It gives you everything those games has but it doesn’t deliver much beyond reminding you that these games exist. If Zheros could use anything it’s support for more than two players.

Imagining this game with four to six idiot friends drunk in a living room sounds like perfection. Like I said before, I’m not saying Zheros is a bad game, it just wasn’t something I had much fun plugging hours into by myself. Everything about the game is slick and nice, but a little variety or some creative spin could have made this game go a long way. Also dubstep. No Dubstep.Final Verdict: 3.5 / 5Available on: PC (Reviewed), Xbox One, PS4; Publisher: Rimlight Studios; Developer:Rimlight Studios; Players: 1-2; Released: February 15, 2016; Genre: Arcade/Beat ’em Up; MSRP: $14.99Full disclosure: This review was written based on review code supplied by the game’s publisher, Rimlight Studios.

• • Platforms:
  PC PS4 XBO
• Developer: Rimlight Studios
• Publisher:Rimlight Studios
• Release: January 16, 2016

As a genre, beat ’em ups are one of the best examples of digital comfort food. Simple, satisfying and almost certainly fattening, games that occupy this space have provided hours of entertainment to gamers across decades. Anyone can hum the theme from Double Dragon and Final Fight proved that Haggar is more than just a brand of slacks. This is a formula that is beloved across all cultures. Examined from the outside, it would seem to be easy to create passable entrant into said classification; there are enough good examples to use as a template and there isn’t a hefty amount of technical wizardry required. Well, Rimlight Studios proves the lie of that assumption. In the creation of Zheros, they have demonstrated just how difficult it is to create a decent face puncher. They certainly couldn’t pull it off.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around two members of the Zheros squad, Mike the brawler male and Dorian the lithe female. Their mission is to defeat someone named Dr. Vendetta. Should attempting to match wits with someone in possession of a PhD seem daunting, the game makes it obvious that one should not worry. Certainly, if a doctorate was actually granted, it was on an honorary basis only.

One thing for certain: the sheepskin was not for interior decoration. The level design displays all of the hallmark signs of copy and paste. Pathways repeat endlessly, with nothing to differentiate one “room” from the next. Each piece of each level will repeat ad nauseum, leaving the player finding themselves hoping for the blasted stage to just end. But it seemingly never ends. The same exact enemy has only been defeated a few dozen times this level. Anything worth doing a few dozen times is worth doing a few dozen more to finish off the stage. The really frustrating part is that the load screens demonstrate the original intent for the level appearance. Interesting and displaying a true sense of style, the game that these pieces of concept art show off would be so much more worthwhile than what is actually loading.

Still, repetitive environments and level design can easily be given a pass if the actual brawling is worthwhile. In this, it cannot be argued that Rimlight didn’t have the right idea. Rimlight Studios seems to have wanted to create a two player beat ’em up built around a robust combo system taken from Devil May Cry or Bayonetta. Imagine a version of River City Ransom melded with one of those stylish action games. The concept is so very sound, but the execution is exceedingly poor. While additional combos can be unlocked via earned skill points, it really does not matter. Here is how to win at Zheros: Roll toward the enemy, then attack. The attack will knock the enemy in the air. Mashing the light attack button will continue the punchy-punchy until it runs its course. Attempting any other course of action, including using the firearms, will leave the hero open to robot punches to the back of the head and explosive-assisted dermabrasion. For the record, this applies to both characters. It seems that the two were intended to feel different. In practice, the strategy remains the same.

Humor could have been something that could provided respite from the doldrums, but this too falls flat. Zhero‘s idea of rip-roaring wit: Mike unapologetically sits and roots around in his nose at the character select screen. The existence of a “Send More Army” button on the villain’s command console may have been the only “joke” that could actually be considered a joke. No one is arguing that all humor has to be Oscar Wilde or some such. Indeed, an innocent, silly sense of wonder and fun can engage better than even the best written drama. Look, for this gig, it’s almost a prerequisite for the author to have a relationship with their inner child. I know that I am in constant contact with mine and we both agree: this thing sucks.

Finally, special notice should be given to the music. Much like the sound of one hand clapping, trying to imagine the sound of easy listening dubstep could have become a Zen mind clearing tool. Zheros ruined that for everyone, because that is what is featured here. Way to ruin inner pace for everyone, guys.

Closing Comments:

Much like The Bible is full of sections of endless “begats,” describing Zheros becomes a list of “berefts.” It is bereft of charm, bereft of personality, bereft of interesting game mechanics, bereft of decent level design, (*deep breath*), bereft of humor, bereft of soul and bereft of respect for the player’s time. Zheros is a beat ’em up that doesn’t crash the Xbox One during play. Those are the two nicest things that can be said about it. Arguments could be made that the inception of this title was well intentioned with some great plans, but the execution is where everything falls apart like a Formula One racer held together with Silly Putty. Anyone looking for something better should give up zhope.

Version Reviewed: Xbox One